It’s all an illusion. I know that, but sometimes that awareness doesn’t help. I get the whole concept of non reality, I really do but when I mentally go down to the very depths of my being and see this illusionary world as bleak and futile, I have to settle down and try to get as comfortable as possible with the darkness for a while before I can begin the climb back up again.
I have realised that when I am down in the dark recesses of my despair, it helps to write about it. By putting the whole process in print, for me, is cathartic. I have always turned to the pen in times of despair. (It) helps to still the mind chatter and concentrate on what I am feeling and eventually writing, which unravels the pain sequence like untangling last January’s hastily stored Christmas lights before they go on the December tree.
I like to call what I am experiencing right now as fundamental depression. I have had it for as long as I can remember. It is a feeling of complete desolation that creeps up on me, on a regular basis, irrespective of outside influences. It has been with me all of my human life. I can remember feeling like this when I was as young as four years old and wondering how I could get back to this other place. A place I considered to be my real home. As the late and very brilliant John O Donoghue writes in his beautiful book, ‘Eternal Echoes, Exploring our hunger to belong’, ‘You are from somewhere else, where you were known, embraced and sheltered’. The place this writer describes is the other world where we all originated and will return to once we leave our physical bodies.
Most people fear this seperation of body and soul because they cannot remember the beauty they left behind to come here. I have a deep soul knowledge that ‘home’ is worth going back to, eventually.
Once when I was around four and a half I remember hearing my Aunt tell my Mother about these amazing sleeping tablets that helped her to obtain a very peaceful night’s sleep and she proceeded to take them from her handbag to show my Mother. When they had left the room I reached into my Aunt’s handbag and took as many of these pills as I could fit in my mouth. They tasted horrible but I swallowed them non the less as I felt sure that they were my ticket back ‘home’. Fortunately for me my Mother found me and I was taken immediately to the local hospital where I was pumped out. I tried the tablet route twice more with the same consequences. Needless to say, I know I came into this lifetime kicking and screaming! It took me quite a while to realise that I was here for a reason, just like everybody else on the planet.
This longing still grips me though out of the blue and when I least expect it. I can feel it in my DNA and every cell in my body as well as my psyche. I know that we choose to come to this dimension though which helps. We came to experience life in all its glory and gather a greater understanding of what we really are, which is beings of complete love. However when I am in my dark place, this realisation barely consoles although slowly but surely the awareness of the fact that what I am feeling is a type of homesickness does start to pull me up and out.
Please don’t misunderstand me when I describe the reason for my personal depression. I am very aware that there are so many people out there with different and very debilitating types of depression that last a lifetime as opposed to my variety that is always in the background but only comes to the forefront and causes me to suffer intermittently. In saying that I think that people with depression are highly sensitive and find it more difficult to interact properly in this world and inadvertently take on all the negative energy going on around them which contributes greatly to how they are feeling.
Even though I have a loneliness for something much bigger than I can properly describe, I know that living my life here on earth is the only place that I want to be for now and I relish every day, even the dark ones. JBH 🙂